Chapter of Crow: Episode 2-4
Jan 12, 2023
Rain drips down on your hair and shoulders, and the smell of dirt and blood fills your nose.
You open your eyes and find yourself in…your castle of memory.
Dead bodies. Cut flesh. Protruding bones. You alone kneel upon a mountain of corpses. You recognize their faces: the evil merchant who sold fake pills; the drunk noble who raped village girls; the power-hungry knight who framed his rival to rise the ranks among the castle guard; and the poor souls whom Kenji told you to kill, but you couldn’t find a rightful reason for yourself to kill.
Yet, here they lie. Dead.
I guess this is what people get after killing so many.
What was I thinking? That I could be free? That I could live my last moment in peace and love?
This is my own hell. And I deserve this.
These corpses were once fathers, husbands, sons.
How many hearts have I broken? How many cries have I
ripped out from grieving screams? How much hatred have I created?
Tears fall from your eyes, across your cheeks, and down to your knees. Your tears stop where the rain begins; the rain stops where your tears begin.
I could never be free. I deserve to be tortured for what I have done.
Forever.
If only...
If only in the burning forest, I never asked Kenji for help.
If only I could say, "NO!" to him.
If only I had the courage to decide ANYTHING for myself.
If only I was never born.
If only I never hurt so, so, so many people.
If only I didn't feel this stabbing, cutting, flaying, knifing, skewering, impaling, puncturing, goring, perforating, pricking, penetrating, gashing, slicing, spearing-
PAIN!
The tears pour with the rain; you can’t hold your voice back anymore.
Nobody else is here, right? I can cry out, right?
Yes...
You break down, crying out to the wind, rain, dirt, and blood.
Painfully, desperately, regretfully…
…
…
Someone hugs you from behind. Gently, warmly, kindly.
Who is it? Who witnesses my inner world like this and, yet, still hugs me?
You whisper to them.
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
A gentle, warm voice answers you.
"No, not at all."
"I'm a heinous murderer."
"A murderer with a kind heart deep down.”
"Kind…?"
"You kill because that's the only option you have. When you
are given more options, you choose to sacrifice yourself to save others, don't you?"
Don’t you?
"Maybe…maybe it's just me trying to redeem what I have done."
The hug grows gentler, warmer, and kinder.
"Child, don't be imprisoned by the past. There is nothing you can do about your past. Do what you want to at this moment. Live in it. What do you want to do now?"
"...what do I want to do…?"
The question that never occurred to you. You’ve never had the
freedom to decide what you want. Now…?
"I want…”
You laugh, quietly.
“This may sound simple and silly, but I want to laugh with friends. Do meaningful things with people I love. Watch the ripples of the creek reflected on the gravel in the sun. Listen to the birds sing their morning songs. Pet the deer as it wanders the forest. Eat fruit plucked from the young and old trees. Frolic wet in the pouring rain. Wait as my feet sink down in the snow. Feel the petals fall on my head in the spring. I…I want to...live."
A moment, then the voice returns.
"Then live on."
You shake your head in disbelief.
"Can a person like me be forgiven? Can I continue to live?"
"The only person qualified to answer these two questions is yourself, child. Can you forgive yourself? Are you brave enough to live on with this past?”
Can you?
𝙄…
[ I can. ]
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